Whenever I leave Las Vegas after a long weekend, I have that thing where I can still hear the hypnotic cling cling of slot machines in my head as the plane is taking off. And for the past month of this lunacy-laden election season, I’ve been grinding my teeth, blitzed on diet rock star at 4 in the morning and I can still hear CNN reporters and Britney updates rattling in my head. It’s maddening, but it makes for some inspired ideas.
For instance, I realized today that there is a staggering amount of parallels to be drawn between the field of presidential candidates and the recently announced academy award nominees. If you doubt me, do so at your own peril as I demonstrate this truth.
ATONEMENT: I haven’t seen this film, though I understand it is a gripping, powerful, tour de force or whatever it is that movie critics say. Let’s just say it’s an epic romance and leave it at that. And an epic romance is essentially what America saw last night as Barack and Hillary sat down to exchange pleasantries onstage at the Kodak theater (oddly enough, this is also where the Oscars will be held later this month).
They were smiling at each other, they hugged, Obama pulled Ms. Clinton’s chair out for her. Last week, I was so frustrated with these two spouse-bashing and race-baiting that I was ready to join the elephant team. Gladly, they’ve realized that viciousness will only alienate the legions of fans who have re-discovered politics because of them and they toned it down. They made amends. It was an evening of atonement. In fact, this “debate” went so far beyond atonement that it was practically make up sex. And bravo to them.
Stevie Wonder was in the audience and even he could see that if these kids make nice, they could be a “dream ticket”. You think I’m joking, but Stevie jumped out of his chair applauding wildly at the suggestion of a Hillary/Obama partnership. I can’t say those two together would ride a greased pole to the white house, but then again: take a look at the mess that they’d be up against.
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: The night before the Hillobama love fest, the Republicans also gathered for a debate, but the results there were far from feel good. They spent half the time indulging in almost homo-erotic Reagan-worship and the other half arguing over who wants to stay in Iraq the longest. “No, I want to stay in Iraq the longest.” And then McCain said, “Oh yeah? Well, I want to stay in Iraq for 100 years!”
That last claim (paraphrased here) was made by John McCain, who seems to have the nomination locked up at this point. The only problem is, Republicans don’t like him and he doesn’t seem to understand that the war in Iraq isn’t very popular any more. Mitt Romney is losing luster by the second and Mike Huckabee . . . well, even Walker: Campaign Ranger can’t roundhouse Huck back into the race.
It’s is safe to say that the Republicans are in disarray and, at least for today, whoever they put up will eventually be slain by Hillary, Obama or some combination of the two. And that is why, in the 2008 presidential election, America is no country for old men.
THERE WILL BE BLOOD: John McCain says he wants to stay in Iraq for 100 years and the same day, 50 people are killed in a bombing in a pet market in Bagdad. Suicides among US service members have doubled since 2001, American casualties are teetering on the edge of 4000 and as the rest of the economy is collapsing, Exxon is poised to set a corporate profit record this quarter. You wouldn’t know it by listening to stump speeches, but the war in Iraq is the lethal cancer eating away at the soul of America right now. From our staggering national debt to our poor standing in the international community to a fledgling economy and low consumer confidence (not to mention the pending apocalypse), the war is the mess. And no matter what solution any candidate dreams up and eventually implements, there will be more blood.
I saw this movie and loved it. I won’t go into much detail, but for those who haven’t seen it, let me establish a simple theme. The central conflict of the film is between a soulless and greedy oil man, a true businessman, interested only in profit and growth, and with no regard for morality or spirituality and his nemesis, a passionate young preacher who hears the voice of God and inspires a growing congregation in his small town. The conflict, quite simply, is God versus money. And this is why the republicans are struggling right now. The party is fractured among faith and morality and financial issues and even further still by the war on terror and immigration.
George W Bush was elected twice because he was able to pay lip service to Christians AND Capitalists. There is no such man this time around and as a result, the GOP can’t find someone they like. So instead, they’ve got a maverick Nam Vet and a New England slickster battling it out. And in that war, there will be mud.
I’M NOT THERE: Cate Blanchett was nominated for her gender bending portrayal of Bob Dylan in this bio-pic that nobody saw but is supposedly pretty good. I chose it because the title is a fitting phrase to address the boys who have since bowed out of the race. I bid a fond farewell to John Edwards, who got an unfair rap for expensive haircuts. The truth is, he’s charming and handsome and he held down the working man old time democratic populist message harder than anybody else. I suspect he’s not gone for good. And let’s shed a lone tear for the Mayor of America, as Giuliani bows out gracefully. Maybe he can stay in Florida and spend his final years on Miami beach, making September 11th sand castles and playing with fire trucks.
Also: Bob Dylan once said that even the president of the united states sometimes must have to stand naked. So in these confusing times, if you find yourself in a polling place on February 5th unable to make a decision, just ask yourself, “who would I rather see naked”? Um, Barack Obama orrrrr . . . Hillary Clinton? Mitt Romney orrrrrrrr . . . John McCain?
And now it’s time for me to return to the teeth gnashing and the 24 hour news cycle in my head. Hope this helps.
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