A warm evening in Boca Raton with 5 articulate Republicans turned out to be a welcome rest from the mess that the Democratic field has become. Those guys are killing me. I am at once disgusted, baffled and livid. The two-headed beast of Clintonia is breathing fiery feces all over the campaign trail, which has resulted in the glorious return of cynicism. To which I say, “Wow. That was fast.” It almost makes me want to post a video of myself on youtube screaming and crying with my mascara running while squawking, “leave Obama alone! You’re lucky he’s even running for president!” Or: with all the fecal matter and vomit being spewed and regurgitated, I could keep it simple and call it 2 democrats, 1 cup. (Ew.)
I will now pause to mourn the campaign of one Dennis Kucinich, who announced today that he’s dropping out of the race. I liked Kucinich a lot, but he didn’t leave much of a mark this time around except to gain the endorsement of Russell Simmons (kiss of death, Phat Farm) and, quite memorably, provide the most entertaining moment of the campaign when he told Tim Russert during a presidential debate that he had, indeed, seen a UFO. He then defended the zany assertion by reminding America that Jimmy Carter, too, has seen a UFO. And then I wondered whether, in a tight democratic field, it is more damaging to come out as a Roswell kook or to liken yourself to the peanut farmer who handed the white house to the Reagan group. Who’s to say? It is fitting, though, that he withdrew from the race the same day that NASA released photographs of a mermaid statue on the surface of Mars (true). Now we’ve lost the only candidate with any Extra terrestrial experience.
Enough of that mess. January 24 belonged to the Republicans, who faced off in what will prove to be a significant and decisive debate. I have to say, these guys are good. For the first half hour, I didn’t hear much because I was mesmerized by Mitt Romney’s staggeringly good looks. He’s just so damn handsome, I don’t even care what he’s saying. It’s like George Clooney for president. With less abortions. I have to say, though, that he looks exactly like Mr Fantastic. For all non-geeks, that’s the leader of the Fantastic 4 whose power is extreme elasticity. The rest of the 4 included Johhny Blaze: the human torch, the Thing and Invisible Girl, who all have counterparts in this race. Moving on.
The whole crew came to Boca Raton (literally, Rat’s Mouth) for the face off and my, what a town. This is where the 80s TV classic The Golden Girls was set, so you know there’s youth and exhuberance galore here. Jerry Seinfeld used to call it God’s waiting room. But I guess that’s fine, since old people are the only ones who vote anyway.
Half way into the debate, the guys had me convinced the war in Iraq was a good idea. John McCain says that yes, there are a lot of casualties in Iraq, but soon enough we will “eliminate casualties” in Iraq, which basically means we are going to “kill killing”. Kill it to death! Kill it good, Psycho McCain Manchurian Cantidate who, um, might win the nomination.
No, thankfully the only man crazier than McCain on that stage chimed in and shattered my good idea Iraq fantasy with some straight talk about how not only do we not need to be in Iraq, we don’t even really need to have a government at all. And then the sane people in the room put the words “ooooo-kaye” into a bazooka and shot it into outer space. Maybe Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich should just hang and watch Battlestar Galactica DVDs or something. Can you imagine THAT conversation? Yikes. No drugs necessary.
Not to be outdone in the psycho show, Huckabee—the guns and God guy—spoke up long enough to compare the absence of WMDs in Iraq to an easter egg that never gets found. Which is true, except that tens of thousands of Americans don’t usually get their legs blown off in easter egg hunts. But whatever.
Actually, the night was not about the war at all. It was all about the Benjamins. Ecomonics. Why is we broke? I will now quote one of my favorite rappers Trick Daddy, who has a marvelously relevant line for this debate: “But all my Boca Boys, they know dough, that’s fo’ sho’ doe.” And these boys know they dough, foooooooo shoooooooo. Or at least, they know that taxes is some bullshit and uncle sam needs to get the fuck up outta my pocket. That’s what I heard. Romney shined in the economic portion of the debate because he seemed the most knowledgable and articulate and SO DAMN HANDSOME!
The rest of the debate was largely forgettable, except that half way through some one reminded me that in 2001, Boca Raton was the site of America’s first Anthrax attack. And I asked myself, “Did we ever catch that guy? No? Hm. How about Bin Laden? No? Dang. How come we’re not talking about that? Oh well. Tax cuts! Woo-hoo!” And so forth.
So I have developments galore. First I said apathy was dead because Obama won Iowa. Then I said be nice to Hillary because she fake cried for America. Now I’m so disgusted by the donkeys that for today, I’m a Republican. I like God and I don’t like taxes and maybe, secretly, I still think it should be an old white guy in the White House. And if you want to know, I’ve got my money on Mitt Romney. He’s got money and a silver tongue and he’s SO DAMN HANDSOME. If he gets the nomination he will truly be Mr Fantastic and please Jesus, maybe he can make Hillary the invisible girl.
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