IF THE MOTHERS RULED THE WORLD, WE'D HAVE NO GODDAMN OIL IN THE FIRST PLACE (maybe cooking oil)

So . . . I won't pretend that I'm going to read Alan Greenspan's rousing new thriller, but damn, the boy can write some pull quotes. The dashingly snoozy bean counter apparently wasn't happy with being master of the universe for 20 years, now he's got to write a tell all in which he claims, and get this: THE WAR IN IRAQ WAS FOR OIL! What the hump? Next he's gonna tell me OJ did it.
This on the day that I thought I fell aleep in a time machine. After week two of the NFL season, the 49ers, Cowboys AND the Packers are undefeated. Hilary's got a plan to save health care. Then I hear O.J.'s back in jail. Not to be all hetero-male with the sports references, but are we back in 1995? If so, I should be getting a lot more house party handjobs.
Let's turn away from that mess for a moment and have a gander at today in Judeo-Muslim relations. Sadly, September 17 was a bad day for the tribe. First, Iran declares its official policy is to wipe Israel off the map and there are 600 missiles aimed at them as we schlep. And then Israeli Prime Minister Simon Peres plays host to Madonna, who tells him she is an ambasador for Judaism. Dear god. We should up the ante and have Lyndsay Lohan tell the Ayatollah she's the ambassador for Islam.
Seriously, could there be a more perfect totem for the Islamic perception of the lunacy of the western world than the blonde (fake) Jew who introduced slutty to the globe? Bin Laden must be spinning in his grave. Oh wait . . .
Let's move from one crazy broad to another. If Sally Field thought people were never going to stop yelling "you like me, you really like me" at her in the street, she may have permanenetly erased that from our collective memory with her embarrassing tirade at last night's emmys. From what I can gather from her largely indecipherable shrieks, she thinks war is bad and mothers are unappreciated. Sure, Sally. Tell that to Tupac. Everybody loves moms. It's dads that aren't appreciated. Watch any cell phone commercial and you'll know that dads are just bumbling, know nothing dumb asses who need to get the hell out of my room and stop pestering me about my text messaging! I pray that one day, we can have a well spoken, intelligent celebrity to articulate the rational fears and reasonable desires of the left. Sad to say, the Not Without My Daughter/Boniva Spokeswoman isn't doing it for me.
Also, it's no longer an edgy or risky position to take that the war is bad. We're all with you Sally, but what does that have to do with your role on "Brothers and Sisters"?
Also, the suspicion has been floated that Ms. Field was censored by the FOX network because she was cut off mid sentence. Well, that's another no doye. FOX is a crooked corporation with all of its eggs in an evil basket, so OF COURSE she was censored. But before Sally Field said it, did you really think the war in Iraq was cool?
Take a breath.
Between Greenspan and Sally, I say we declare September 17th No Duh Iraq day. Yes, it was for oil and yes, it sucks. But that doesn't mean we can't fly Lyndsay to Tehran for some face time with the clerics to get a head start on the NEXT war.